avanill

blessings

Out of nowhere, life comes out and surprises you right when you need it. Just when I was ready to miserably wrap up 2012, I received the most amazing of blessings. To be able to go back to London and Europe, places where I had the best summer of my life. Places where I met great people, had amazing adventures, saw beautiful different cultures but most importantly, the places where I fell in love. I can’t believe how lucky I am. To be in Europe again, this time with my beautiful best friend. I can’t wait to show her around these places and share these experiences with her. 

Speaking of love, 2012 has taught me the most valuable of lessons when it comes to love - selflessness. This same time last year I told myself that I’d give my all this year to love and never look back. And I thought that meant to fight for what you want and who you love unconditionally. But as the year passed, I learnt that the one true element of love is selflessness. To look in the eyes of the one you love and do whatever it takes to make them happy, even if it’s not ideal because at the end of the day if they’re happy, that’s all that matters. 

No matter what happens in the next year, my heart will always be with you. At 23 years old I’m confident enough to say that I’ve found the love of my life, someone I’d want to be with forever, even if not for now. Thank you for loving me, and making me feel beautiful every day of my life, even if you aren’t here with me. I love you. Here’s to someday. x

Out of nowhere too, my job became something I’ve grown to love. To have something that is completely yours to work on, to earn, to be responsible for and to flourish in. And at the end of the day to have people recognize and acknowledge the hard work, it means everything to me. 

Not to mention, my family, my friends. I can’t even begin to describe how blessed I feel each and every day to have such pillars of strength in my life. People I look up to, people who understand me and are with me every step of the way. I thank God every day for these angels. Absolute angels.

So 2012, you’ve been a year of ups and downs. And though I find the hype of stepping into a new year a tad overrated, I hope these blessings I’ve received will always stay with me in the next year. xoxo

hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

gone

I’m sad everyday. 

After everything that’s happened, I genuinely don’t know how to feel happy anymore. Yeah the little things here and there make you smile. But I don’t know how to feel happy, in all its simplest sense. I don’t. Every day my heart aches, my mind’s a mess, my body’s weak and my soul feels defeated. It’s a horrible feeling but what’s worse is that I think I’ve gotten accustomed to this. It’s a way of life now. Has been for awhile and probably will be until I find something to excite me again. 

Obviously these endless hours at work aren’t doing me any good. I’ve become a drone. Go to work, work till late, go home, do more work, sleep, wake up, repeat. I hate it. But I’ve come to deal with it. It’s how it’s gonna be for awhile. It’s pathetic to be going to the office toilet and locking myself there for 5 mins crying my eyes out but if it helps, why not. You cry, get yourself together, be okay until something else happens. Something else always happens. 

Nothing makes me happy anymore. 

lucky

Funny how differently people define luck and what makes us lucky. 

Every day I read posts, tweets, stories about people traveling the world, seeing beautiful places and experiencing different things and I think to myself, ‘they’re so lucky’. To have the freedom and opportunity to do that. And the next moment, I read about an old friend from a Euro trip I did two years back and she’s now married with a beautiful baby boy and I think to myself again, ‘she’s so lucky’. What makes a person lucky? Is it having something someone else wants but can’t have? Or simply experiencing something that is fortunate in society’s eyes? Maybe it’s attaining an every day miracle, like having a beautiful family. Something that might be common, but in all its essence of true love and an unbreakable bond, makes it lucky to have. 

Then I wonder, does anyone look at my life and consider me lucky? I’m no extraordinary person. I have a job that keeps me going but doesn’t make me too happy (normal), a typically average family with its own problems (normal) and a bunch of fantastic friends that I think are the absolute best group of friends to have but then again, everyone thinks that about their group of friends so I guess that’s (normal) too. So maybe that’s the gaping hole in my mundane life - having something that I consider lucky. And call me superficial, but having something that others look at and consider lucky as well. 

Or maybe I should realize that I live in a good country, have a decent life, not currently begging for food or being sold off as a sex slave, shut up altogether and consider myself a very, very lucky person to be in this position of the world. 

whirlwind

When reality starts creeping up to you all at once, it’s a fairly scary thought. I’ve never been one who knows how to handle stress well or so many responsibilities at the same time, but it’s time to learn. Fast. It’s slowly dawning on me that people’s expectations are at stake, people’s livelihood at stake and other people’s work at stake. All my life I’ve been sheltered and only know how to be responsible for myself. But it’s high time I learn how to be responsible for others as well. 

Welcome to the real world, P.